Caught One Handed – Self-Loving Wrecks Relationships?
Caught One Handed – Self-Loving Wrecks Relationships?
By: Shawn Jackson Shoulders
I will never forget the day when at age 14 or 17 or something my mom caught me jerking off while trying on condoms in our bathtub. I tried to explain the concept of a condom fashion show to her but somehow it was just too embarrassing at the time to deal with. I thought it was absolutely the most embarrassing thing that could ever happen. In retrospect, I realized it was the material for an ongoing inside joke between she and I that continues to this day. Ultimately the lesson I learned was if you are going to seal a private moment of self-pleasure sooner or later you will get caught!
See me tell the story of this incident on this video!
I recently had a “caught on handed” experience that really started me thinking about the significant or insignificant of nature masturbation in a relationship. It also prompted me to investigate just how very different people view this topic and ask why? Being someone who is very pro-pleasure, and very liberal about what we do with our bodies, I was shocked at the Pandora’s box I opened.
It started a few months ago during a particularly active night of love making. We were really going at it with every ounce of enthusiasm we could generate to the point of exhaustion. Upon the conclusion of our activity it became clear that a shower was very necessary and should be taken immediately. My partner wanted to rest a bit (poor soul, I had worn him out) so I headed for the shower.
As hot water showered all over me, my mind began to meander and so did my hands. Before I knew it, my lover was standing at the entrance of the shower his face overtaken by hurt. I couldn’t imagine him being more devastated if he caught me cheating oh him while stealing his puppy as a gift for the other guy. I really felt bad. We didn’t talk about it the rest of the night.
The next morning, I decided to clear the air and ask why he looked so devastated. To my surprise his response was that he felt betrayed and resented the fact that I was gratifying myself while he was in the other room. The fact that I was thinking about him the whole time didn’t seem to be of any consequence to him. He said that it made him feel like he couldn’t satisfy me, and this made him feel inadequate.
This experience left me feeling like an asshole, like I had put my own selfish desires before our relationship. Initially as a way to make myself feel better (and by better, I mean right) I began by asking some friends (gay, straight, bi, you name it) if this had ever happened to them. Apparently, there is an epidemic of partnered people getting busted taking matters into their own hands, Almost everyone had this experience at least once. So, either this was very common or all my friends were big perverts.
To answer the question and to see if I needed new friends I turned to the internet. After going past almost all the adult web sites that were clogging up my search results, and bookmarking a few for later, I struck internet gold. According to a study I found at www.sexnesdaily.com about 78% of men, and 49% of woman report walking in on their partner practicing self-love.
So, if we are all doing this, even though we have a lover that is more than adequate in the sack, the question becomes why? I hit some online forums to find people guilty of loving themselves too much while committed.
First, I talked to a man who said that he was 27 and a self-described Hottie. He said that at times he just needed to release pressure that he had built up during the day, and that doing this keeps him from being selfish when he is with his lover. He claims that if he relieves the tension first that he can concentrate on having more meaningful encounters with his partner, because it is about sharing pleasure, not just reaching climax.
Next up was a woman who claimed to be 35 and is in a relationship with a man who she has been living with for three years, they have one child. She told me that she and her boyfriend used to have a “big problem” because she liked to secretly pleasure herself even though they had very regular and satisfying sex. She said that it was just something she enjoyed doing, and it made her feel completely powerful. Eventually however to alleviate some of the tension it was causing she brought the act out of the darkness and into their love routine. She did confess to me however that she still does it on the sly occasionally.
I received many variations of the above scenarios, and many others, but in the end one response was the most common. It seems people masturbate despite being sexually active with a partner to experience sensations or emotions they need. Sometimes they are unable to fulfill these needs within their relationship due only to the inability to express themselves. Occasionally shame prevents one partner from asking for something. Mostly it is like eating the whole container of ice cream by yourself after everyone in the house has gone to bed. It has nothing to do with anyone else, it is just you are taking care of yourself in the most pleasurable way available. Also like the ice cream you will be finished too quickly and won’t talk about it with anyone after.
Of note during my research it hat most people reported that they usually fantasized about their partner during the act, even if they started out thinking about someone else. Overwhelmingly, they also reported that if given a choice between only sex by oneself, or with one’s partner, they would pick sex with their partner. This should be good news to all those jealous partners out there constantly walking in on the rest of us.
The essential point here is that any relationship, no matter how healthy, cannot fulfill every desire or need a person has. We humans are just too complex for that. Should you find that your partner needs some special alone time occasionally it really has little or nothing to do with you. Just throw them some lube or a toy and wish them a pleasant journey to pleasure town. Your relationship will be stronger for it!