9 Things That Piss Me Off About Thanksgiving!

9 Things That Piss Me Off About Thanksgiving!

By: Shawn J. Shoulders

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Thanksgiving is such a pain! This is a list of the 9 Things That Piss Me Off About Thanksgiving! From food comas, to cranberry sauce there is so much “joy” in this holiday! Enjoy!


Family! Why would anyone once a year willing gather together in one place, and eat with the very people you have spent rest of the entire the year trying to avoid!



Football! Why would I spend a holiday watching grown men in tight pants tackle each other over and over again? I can see that any day of the year on Xtube.



Food Comas! I don’t know what it’s like at your house but after we all stuff ourselves with turkey dressing and pie there is more sleeping going on than at Bill Crosby’s house on date night!



Cranberry Sauce! – How the hell is this even called a sauce! Sauces are smooth and silky, or smooth and zesty. This stuff is Jell-o. Perhaps the worst hell originating  incarnation of version of Jell-o ever created! You cant cut a sauce. When was the last time someone cut you off some tomato sauce to go with your pasta!



Black Friday Ads! Every single ad on TV celebrates the joys of this special day buy telling you to leave your friends and family in the dust as you scramble to fight other desperate overstuffed individuals MMA style for a cheap oversized TVs.



Parades! Oh who doesn’t love a parade! Especially once ending with a fat guy in a red suit showing up! Me that’s who! If I wanted to be bored with outdated cultural references and harassed by a fat guy in bad clothing I would just invite obnoxious uncle over for cocktails!



Pumpkin Pie! AKA the world’s best whip cream delivery vehicle. If you like your pumpkin pie like I do its really just an excuse to eat whipped cream. It should really be whipped cream pie with pumpkin. I don’t understand why people pretend that it’s the pumpkin that they love in this case. Whatever though its probably  best cuz let’s face it after stuffing yourself self on turkey it’s going to be the only thing you are going to feel sexy enough to lick cream off of!



Travel! As if traveling in this country is not hard enough. Airlines are such a mess on the best day and its never the hot TSA agent doing to cavity searches! Who ever thought it was a good idea for everyone to fly at once and at the most delay prone time of the year! . Last time I flew home for thanksgiving I arrived in January!



Stuffed Turkeys! In one day more things are stuffed into the body cavities of turkeys than I have had stuffed into me in a lifetime!

Shawn J. Shoulders

Shawn J. Shoulders is an Actor, Comedian, and Lifestyle Expert who has spent many years learning about his fellow humans for the sake of his art. He has spent years in the pursuit of truth about the human condition and comprised a vast database of information neatly stored in his brain. The majority of this information is uniquely suited for trivia competitions and drunken bar conversations. Shawn J. Shoulders is a regular contributor to Screwy Monkey.

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